i Don't know that i shld be writing this down but hes gone now &
there's some things I can't talk to Krenyn about & some things I shldn't talk to Meri Mero Meri FUCK IT Merosiel about & if he didnt tell khaavren & Ori about ti i shldnt be the oen one to tell them again he's gone
& besides i dont think i can put up with Khaavren being hateful
not that it's not his right
no fuck dont write about that, stupid larkspur
what i should be writing is that kae is gone
&
I dont' know if he will be back at all or back alive
if he does come back because he's gone to the scryers now saying that they used to be Sunfury once as if that means they'd be safer than throwing hm himself on the socalled fucking mercy ha ha of the fucking conclave in Silvermoon & really if he thought about it he'd realize that the scryers hate us MORE for not going with them because it means now they have to kill us over the prince's madness & one stupid fucking decision is all thats between old friends and family and lovers and shieldmates
& i asked
if He was going out there to die & he said no of course not that's why he'd been running in the first place
& then i cried on him b/c i'm a stupid fucking failure of a knight & a friend & a sunfury & a traitor & a man
but he wasnt afraid anymore & he wasn't running & he wasnt even Kae anymore he was Al'arien
& that is why I don't know if he will come back because Al'arien has nothing to lose
. ... .. . .. . .. .. . .. . ............ . . . . . . .. .. . .. .. .. .. . . .... .. &
noone will see this while im still around
which is why its okay to be writing all of this with Real Names
so while i'm doing that I want to set the record straight on smthg
b/c if He dies out there & i die before i tell anyone this someone needs to know even if no one really cares what i think
i APOLOGIZED for everything i called him to his face BUT i said a lot of things behind his back because i am a bad friend & knight & everything
& stupid
& Jiel asked me once why if Kae was such a bad person why we didnt just kill him
never mind we don't go around killing people just for saying stupid shit to other people and making them want to die though maybe the world would be a better place if we did
& & i didnt
look i didn't say wat what i meant right because Jiel still doesnt understand but what
i meant
to explain is that whats bad in kae is what is bad in all men & few of them choose to restrain
and what is good in kae is what is good in all men & few of them choose to display
& he gave me back a part of myself the LIVING me that would have been gone forever & i'm not the only one he helped that way even if he was just being selfish or pretended he was to get by like most of us do
& now he made the choice to be more than his fear which almost NO ONE ever does
And
I'm afraid
i dared him
to his death & he's out there alone
and going to die the way i did
for the people he loves
& if there were only one wish i could have now it would be to take back every time i called him a selfish fuck because i was angry.
. . .
walk in the Light, Al'arien Dawnstrike. wherever you are.
& come home. I love you & i'm not the only one.
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